tuesday, 9/8/2026
haiiii.
right now i am sitting at austin's coffee. i just took my first test for my history class on the patio and i feel like such a dingus because i got a question wrong, but i answered the extra credit question so it'll be fine. all is well. i feel all backwards this week due to monday being a holiday. i thought today was monday. boohoo. i'm sitting with my very best pal mya while they do some collaging. i freaking love this guy what the heck. i might go inside and make a coffee. who knows what i'm gonna do. the world is my oyster i guess.
there is such a primal fear i have every time i open a dating app. it's scary and i don't like it. but oooo dopamine. nom. but i still don't like it. it's dystopic and strange and i feel like i'm looking at a catalog of people and i don't like the way anyone talks to me. i feel like i have no interest in anyone and there's never the /right/ thing to say to me. is that a me problem? i don't think i care enough to know the answer to that question so i guess i won't think about it. but people say the weirdest shit to me sometimes and i just have to wonder if i just have the kind of face where people feel comfortable talking to me like i'm not a person. maybe they think i'm not real. am i real? yeah. my friends made a channel on our discord server where i can put screenshots of all of the really raunchy shit people say to me on dating apps. it's like funny, but it's also not at the same time because! these are things people are actually saying! to me! real people are saying these things! to me!? when will the horrors end? i don't have the answer to that question.
i almost killed milo today. not actually, but i fed them a cashew based pasta sauce not knowing they are allergic to cashews. LUCKILY they are not deathly allergic. when it stopped being scary, it was funny. i love milo. that's mama.
i don't have much else to add to this entry tonight. so here i will end it. thank u for existing, internet.
xoxo, aloe
monday, 9/7/2026
hi blog on my puter.
i've been thinking about my močiutė a lot today. like a lot, a lot. i miss her so dearly. the first of this month made 11 years without seeing her, hearing her voice, or holding her hand. to this day i have never felt a softer hand to hold. oh, how i miss her. i miss seeing the way her face would scrunch up as she laughed. i miss her hearing her voice and understanding her through her thick accent. i miss her teaching me lithuanian and correcting me when i would pronouce things wrong. what i would give for her to correct me again. i started learning lithuanian again last year. after i started learning, i had one of the most vivid dreams i've had in all of my life. i was showing up to a dinner party and she was there with my papa. i was so excited to see her and i was telling her about how much of the language i had learned so far. i can remember her face so vividly and i watched her cry with a huge grin on her face as i talked to her. dreams can be weird but i was so grateful to have that one. it felt like i was really talking to her again. i miss her terribly. she died when i was 16 and that general time period was not a great one. her and my papa died within 3 months of each other and it was the catalist to a lot of family trauma between my dad's side of the family. i've had a lot of time in adulthood to process the feelings of losing two grandparents so close together which i'm grateful for because at that time, there was no time to process. therapy was too taboo and talking about it with my family just wasn't an option due to the pain it would bring up. there was never a point in my teenage/early adult life to sit and realize how much of a toll it had taken on me, and was also a big motivator to continue using and abusing drugs and alcohol to mask the pain i had felt. sometimes i wonder what life would be like if life hadn't played out the way that it did in this case. i don't wish for things to be different, i just wonder.
i miss growing up at my močiutė & papa's house. they had such a lovely home and i credit a lot my current decorating style to močiutė. she always had a knack for knowing where things went to look beautiful and perfectly placed. there was always intent with the way she did things. i miss going over to her house after school and walking around to each room and memorizing where everything was placed. i can't stop thinking about holding her hand. i can still feel her soft fingertips when i think about it. i can feel her hands running through my hair. in her house, she had these huge mirrors in the master bathroom that stood across from each other that were angled to create an infinite reflection. i can see her standing behind me as she brushes my hair and kisses the top of my head while telling me how beautiful i am. i feel so grateful to experience a love like the kind my močiutė gave me. i owe so much of who i am to her. i would give anything to feel her hands running through my curls once more. life is so beautiful but so heartbreaking. i feel so privledged to experience her love but i also feel so jaded that now it is only a memory. i want to tell her about my life and listen to her tell me all about hers. i wish i could know her as i've grown into an adult. there's so much i want to ask her but i can't. there's so much i want to tell her but i can't. grief is strange in the way that it never leaves. it will always be there as a reminder of the love that was there, but i feel selfish. i don't want to grieve, i just want her to be alive. but she's not, and that's also okay. she was in so much pain in her last few months alive and i'm grateful she is no longer in pain. i hate wishing. wishing is so dumb because i know that i have to accept how things are. but right now, i wish i could hug my močiutė.
xoxo, aloe
wednesday, 9/2/2026
hello, blog.
i am having a lot of feelings at the moment. very big ones, if i might be so bold to say. work today was very difficult to process and i'm still decompressing as we speak. the nature of my job, working with patients that have cancer, can be very rewarding in the sense that we are supporting those in one of the most vulnerable times of their life. it can also be a very unfortunate time when we are not able to help. i met a woman last week, a new patient at our clinic, who is so full of life and i very much enjoyed meeting her. she is very much a stereotypical hippy, with such a beautiful view on life and a smile to follow it. in my clinic, we see patients who are potential candidates to receive surgical treatment to help treat their cancer. the unfortunate part for this patient however is that we found out this week that she is not a candidate due to the metastasization of her cancer. when i saw her today, her smile was still there but there was a definite pain behind it. i wasn't aware when i took her back to our office that surgery wasn't an option, but that we were going to offer her a surgical port placement so that she could start chemotherapy. after she spoke with our physician, i found out that she decided to not go that route and to start hospice treatment instead. it was incredibly hard not to break down in that moment and keep it together. cancer is so unforgiving and unfair. i saw her as she was walking out of our clinic and she said goodbye to me and i wished her to have a good rest of the day, and i just wish i could've said so much more than a simple goodbye. i wish i could've offered every right word to say in that moment, but what are the right words when the inevitable is on it's way? i'm grateful to know that she has a loving partner by her side and i hope that in the time that she still has that she is at peace and comfortable. i'm grateful to have known her for the short time that i did. i'm grateful for her decision, as well. chemotherapy can be extremely difficult to go through, and in some cases can cause more prolonged suffering. i'm grateful that she has autonomy in her decisions and chose the path that she felt was best for her. so for now, i will continue to have her in my heart and wish her the best in any way that i can. cancer may be cruel, but life can still be beautiful.
this wasn't a fun update, but that is okay. i also have therapy in a hour so i am also grateful that i'll be able to continue processing these emotions. there is nothing more i wish right now than for her to feel comfortable, dignified, and at peace. maybe i'll update more later after therapy. if you're reading this, thanks for listening. please send out a good thought into the universe for her. till we meet again, my friend.
xoxo, aloe
saturday, 8/22/2026
ugh. hey.
me: i should update my blog after today. also me: i forgor ):
a lot has happened in the past month. some good, some not so good. i would like to focus more on the good though. i've been feeling excited about the direction that my life has been going. it's been so freeing living in my passions and experiencing independence. i like feeling like myself. i crave to create and focus on my hobbies. i'm feeling so nervous for the next couple months, though. i start school again on monday and i'm just feeling fear! i know it will be okay, but my course-load for the next year & a half is going to be super intense and i will be kind of losing a lot of the free time i normally have to dedicate to studying. that is an okay thing. i'm looking forward to the doors that are opening. being an adult feels hard at the moment. i constantly feel like i'm running out of time. for what? i'm not sure. i just feel like i never have enough time for anything anymore. is that how the rest of life is going to feel? if you know the answer, don't be shy to let me know
my therapy sessions have been going awesome, and i'm grateful to have developed such a strong bond with my therapist. she's so swag. i like how she challenges my thinking. there's a lot of times that i feel like my brain can be mean to me. how do i describe that feeling? like i know that the feelings i experience are not permanent and they will always pass, but my mind does this thing where it tries to convince me that they are permanent and i'm just bad. permanently damaged and evil. that's not true though. even when i feel like i was in the past, i can acknowledge that i was a victim of circumstance and i've done a lot of work to not be that kind of person anymore.
i've been doing a lot of song-writing lately but i haven't been feeling satisfied by it. it's all just vomit in my notes app when i feel like i think of something good, but it never flows. it feels uninviting and not the way i want it to feel. maybe it doesn't have to? i don't know. they're my words, i would hope i would be happy with what i write.
anyways, topic change. have you ever seen a picture of yourself from a couple years ago randomly and didn't recognize that it was you? and i don't mean like you looked different but like actually being like "woah that person strangely looks kinda like me that's so weird i didn't know i had a doppleganger". that genuinely happened to me the other day and it was kinda scary. i was scrolling on facebook and someone i knew from years ago posted a group picture that i was in and i got so scared because i was like "holy shit that person looks kinda like me how crazy is that?" and it's because it was literally me. like my brain registered that it looked like me but couldn't register that it was me. it was trippy and i felt even more scared afterwards because why couldn't i recognize myself? i have a fear of losing my memory and that was a moment i didn't enjoy!
i guess i don't have that much left to blog about at the moment. everyone (that reads this) tell me to update my blog more consistently so i actually have something to talk about
xoxo, aloe
wednesday, 7/29/2026
hai blog.
i had a good day today. work was easy and went by very quickly. yayyy. tomorrow may not be the case. it's a day where there's barely any patients so i'm gonna have to keep myself busy but it'll be okay i think. after work i went to the enzian and reserved a spot on the lawn for the free movie screening they had! i saw "sorry to bother you" for the first time and i very much enjoyed it. crazy how it was made 10 years ago and is still so prevalent to today's society and the abuse of laborers. it was such a good film. we were about 10 people deep on that lawn in a huge cuddle puddle and it was so cute and fun. it was SO fucking hot though. my god. i was sweating so bad. i think tonight's update may be on the shorter side. i feel braindead. i've been super busy lately and i think i need to stop doing that for a bit. i'm feeling very burnt out. after my plans for the rest of this week are over, it's aloe time. i will be in my apartment till further notice. it's time for this papa to go to bed. goodnight
xoxo, aloe
tuesday, 7/28/2026
i've been so bad about updating my blog!! i've told myself this entire past week that i'll update it at the end of the day and never didddddd. i'm so bad. not really i'm so good hehe. i don't remember anything that's happened this past week. that's a lie. days seem to blur together though, i've just been so so busy. i am almost officially all unpacked in my new place. i have a couple things i have to grab from the old apartment, but decoration wise it is all done! i have three beds!! one queen and one twin in my room and a queen sized pull out matress. it's so awesome. i'm gonna talk about this past weekend. saturday i went to southern nights with mya and mo and it was really really fun and awesome. i love dancing my little butt off. it was also one of our favorite male strippers, we call him peepaw, last night at stiffy's so we had to wish him a farewell. sunday i went to the beach with mya, mo, atlas, cherry & milo. it was such a good time. we played in the water, dug a hole, flew a kite and listened to christmas music. it felt so healing to be in the water and to just have a good time with all of my pals. i've been at a education class for my job the past two days so it was basically fake work so that was pretty awesome too. i go back to my clinic tomorrow though & i'm hoping the day will go by fast. i have therapy tomorrow and will also be watching a movie on the lawn at the enzian (i'm so excited).
at this current moment i am at my apartment with mya, mo, cherry and milo AND SPECIAL GUEST: EEEEEE!! e's down for the week from chicago and it's going to be such a grand ol time. i got to do some crafts with mya earlier and it felt so good. i made a collage zine and i really enjoyed making it. it has been the first piece of physical art i've made since things ended with alex and since i'm all settled in my new place, today felt like the right time to do it. i love to create. i love feeling like myself when i make art. i'm planning to have some friends over on sunday to warm my new home. it's going to be so awesome and cool and swag. i hope that tonight i get some good rest and that my dreams are kind to me. and here's to hoping that i'll be more consistent about updating my blog.
xoxo, aloe
wednesday, 7/22/2026
why did no one tell me i got the day of the week wrong on my last update? fake. i fixed it so don't even bother. but right now it's 12:16am on wednesday. tuesday was good. work has been stressing me out but it's okay. starting thursday i am hopeful for good change to come my way!! hehe. if you know you know. after work i went to t-mobile and got shitted on by the guy who worked there. not literally, but he was super unhelpful and made me feel so stupid for trying to get a new phone & ask for help. it was not great so i just walked out because what the hell and i ordered a replacement phone instead. my battery is super effed and i forgot i have phone insurance so they're sending me a new one. #winning. after that mess, i returned to my still half-unpacked abode and waiting for a guy from spectrum to come fix my wifi. i had to cords backwards. i know why the t-mobile guy thought i was stupid. whatever. the wifi guy was actually really nice and we made good conversation while he was over. there was a point where we ended up just talking for a bit about different stuff like living in orlando, the shitty housing market, music, work. it was really cool. i also ran into one of my neighbors outside and he said he recognized me from my band and i was in shock. it's weird being recognized that way sometimes because it feels so casual to me but people like us. after the spectrum guy was all done, i went to a show at will's pub. it fucking rocked big time. i met up with my friend ty and also his friend david. i'll be seeing knocked loose in a couple months & david is gonna be there too so it was a cool pre-intro to him. the music tonight was so very good. it felt so good to just be aloe in a crowd and have a good time. i got recognized there too & i felt terrible because i couldn't remember the other person's name but all was well & it was a fun interaction. i like striking conversations with strangers in a crowd. i love small random connections. it's what keeps me going. the headliner for the show, mella, was phenomenal. i really enjoyed myself, but it smelled sweaty as fuck in there and was really hot. maybe i also smoked too many cigarettes. how many is too many? however many i smoked. i'm now home, writing on my putah and ready to go to bed. i started watching that show called paradise. it's actually insane and i can't compute what is happened. i'm only on episode 6 but it's getting really crazy. it had two seasons but i have no idea what would even go on in the 2nd one. i'm hoping it's not the case where a good show is ruined by them trying to make a second season out of bull. i want to watch another episode but i should really, REALLY go to bed. thank you for your service, blog. till we meet again.
xoxo, aloe
tuesday, 7/21/2026
i'm thinking about you tonight. i wish that i wasn't. it's hard to unravel every part of you that's entangled into every piece of my life. it's weird trying to rewire that part of me; the part of me that is you. it's strange. i don't have many more ways to describe this feeling beyond strange. i had an okay day today. i've shamelessly been listening to a lot of 00s country pop. those country girls really knew how to write a self-love song back in those days and it also makes me think about being a kid, listening to those songs on the car radio while on a drive with my mom around town. i like feeling like i can connect to myself as a child again. i spent so much of my life trying to forget my childhood. i wish i never spent so much time trying to grow up faster. but as i've said many times before, wishing is stupid and i shouldn't do that. in this present moment i like to think about what child me would think of me now. would she think i'm cool? a good person? everything she ever wanted to be? i would like to think so.
these past five years of my life have been transformative in a way that words can barely describe. the last two of those five i would try to describe it as "waking up". i have found out so much about myself. i still am finding out so much as i keep getting older. there has been so much clarity about where i'm going in life and yet, i still don't know where that is. i feel deep inside myself that there is something i need to find. i asked someone a question the other day and i said "what made you want to be the person you are today?". for me, i felt tired of being tired. it's exhausting trying to escape life at such a young age. there is so much out there in the world waiting for me, and i have so much time to find it. i want to keep exploring parts of myself that i never thought i could reach. i want to keep growing into a person that i am proud of. i will fail and i will fail again. but i want to be the person that keeps trying.
i am coming to terms with how there is more to life than you. although i still selfishly hold onto the life i pictured with you, i am certain that the life i will create for myself will be more than i ever could've dreamed about. i will keep reminding myself that i am on the right track. i will remain strong in the fact that my younger self loves my current self. and i will keep becoming the person i want to be.
this update was a little more of a conversation in my head. a letter i'll never send, but sure, go ahead and live on my blog forever. it's technically wednesday by like 37 minutes. maybe some day i will post an update before the day is officially over. not today. smh my head. well. bye.
xoxo, aloe
sunday, 7/19/2026
blog. long time no see.
it's been an eventful past couple days. friday was cool. let's talk about saturday. it's currently 1:05am on sunday so it still feels like it's saturday. i moved into my new place today. my friends came over & helped me move everything and i couldn't be more grateful for all of their help. i've started setting up everything and i love making it my own. my upstairs neighbor let me use the twin sized mattress that was left in here & now i have two beds. my friends are over to have a sleepover and it's just going to be one giant cuddle puddle of my friends. adult sleepovers are so freaking fun. i can't wait for us to still be giggling at 3 in the morning. best part: no one comes in to tell us to go to bed. we make the freaking rules around here, partner.
i've moved a lot over the past 9 years and i have such a system to how i pack, move, and unpack. i should be finished unpacking by tomorrow. i love to decorate and i feel like i have a knack for knowing where things should go whenever i move into a new place. the vibes are always so fun. i have to downsize some of my furniture though and it feels like pulling teeth. i would never consider myself a hoarder, but i am defintely a maximalist. unfortunately with how this apartment is set up, there's little room for all the big bulky furniture i have. le sigh. my official move-out date for my old place isn't till mid august so i'm just keeping all the extra stuff there until i can figure out what to do with it. my mom said to sell it, but again, my teeth are being pulled. yeouch.
i'm so glad to be out of my old apartment. there were a lot of fun, beautiful memories there but there were a lot of really not great memories too, especially from this past month. i'm happy for this fresh start. i'm happy that i get to create new memories in a fresh spot with the people i love. first night officially moved and i am surrounded by the people i love. not to mention also surrounded by my beautiful daughters, benny & poopers (my cats). they aren't very good at traveling and get stressed any time they have to go in the cat carrier. luckily it wasn't a very far drive and they adjusted very quickly in the new apartment. it was so cute watching them wander around & explore. they're both currently cuddling with my friend alyssa. it's the cutest shit i've ever seen.
well. that's all from me regarding saturday. sorry i missed friday but you can't even be mad at me (if you even read my blog) because i'm just a guy. hehe. i will never fail again though and will hopefully give my sunday update before sunday ends. sleep tight and have good dreams, person that may like reading what i post.
xoxo, aloe
friday, 7/17/2026
hi blog
i feel sick to my stomach at the moment. it's very early in the morning of july 17th. today was good. i worked and then went home and did some laundry that i have been very reluctant to do. i got some more packing done as well. now i'm sitting in bed in my new apartment. this is the first night that i'll be spending here. in my heart i am happy, but also very sad. i am so excited for this new chapter in my life. i am also very nervous. i've been nauseous for about a month now due to constant anxiety and worry. tonight i am acknowledging the feeling of loneliness. i am not alone and i am very loved and cared for by those around me. i still feel lonely, though. i feel that over the past year & a half that i've done a lot of inner work to address my feelings of codependency. then there are times like this where i feel like any progress i've made is worth nothing. i know that this is not true. i'm having a moment. moments are allowed to happen and doesn't discredit the work i've done to feel more secure in myself without needing someone to make me feel whole. i like who i am when i look in the mirror. i am not a lost person without a partner. i am allowed to feel lonely and still feel proud of who i am. feelings and emotions are so complicated. being human is so complicated. navigating relationships can feel so complicated. i'm grateful for my ability to express myself. i'm grateful that i don't mask my feelings or push them down to the point where it breaks me. i do not regret it when i speak my truth. i'm glad that i have friends today that also tell me how they feel and that also aren't afraid to express themselves or set boundaries. life is difficult at the moment, but that doesn't make it any less beautiful. it's time for me to go to bed. i have a big day tomorrow. thank you, internet for listening to my late night/early morning ramblings. i can't wait to do it again tomorrow.
xoxo, aloe
wednesday, 7/15/2026
hello cumputah blog
today was so swaglicious. i went to work this morning & it was a good day, no complaints. after work i picked up the keys for my new apartment! i love it so, so much. i sat for a bit and just admired this new chapter of my life that has begun. after that, i went to meet up with my sponsor. we had a very good talk about everything that's been going on. i haven't had the chance to meet up with her in a couple months & we had a lot to catch up on. she gave me a really good perspective on how things are playing out in my life, and how it feels very apparent that the universe has done for me what i believe i was too scared to do. i don't think it's a bad thing to be comfortable, but when things are hard it can feel extremely difficult to become uncomfortable. change is something i am familiar with and although this major change in my life was more on the unexpected side, i am glad to have the tools to be comfortable being uncomfortable. i love my sponsor. i love being clean. there have been a lot of moments this past month where it has felt so incredibly difficult to maintain my sobriety. but here i am, still clean and still alive. that in itself is a win in my book. i learned years ago that masking my feelings with substances will only lead to distruction and chaos in my life. i am past the point of ever wanting that kind of upset in my life again. i love to feel my feelings. i love not being afraid to confront my feelings. it sucks to feel intense emotions sometimes, but i am not shy to acknowledge them, welcome them, address them and let them go. that is something i feel proud of myself for. i would be doing myself a major disservice if i acted like nothing was wrong right now. there's a lot of difficult things going on at once in my life. i'm grateful for all the beautiful things. i'm grateful for my indepence. i'm grateful for my friends. i'm grateful for my community. i think that i will go to bed now. i started this entry before midnight and now it's the next day. IT'S IZZY'S BIRTHDAY!! i love that girl so much.
anyway, goodnight dear blog of mine. sweet dreams
xoxo, aloe
tuesday, 7/14/26
hi blog
it's been a long, long three months. i don't even really know how to begin. alex and i are no longer together. this is for the best. i want to take the time to recognize the total crashout i am having over this. there. recognized. there's a lot that i want to say about it but i don't even know how. i feel hurt and betrayed and for valid reasons. reasons that may not be disclosed on this blog, but maybe someday they will. i just want to focus on aloe for now. i've been struggling very hard this past month. alex and i were supposed to move in together but we are no longer together so i'm in the process of packing and moving into a new place. my official move-in day is tomorrow!! however, i don't have to be out of my current place until mid august so i'm taking my time. working as a CMA has been kinda difficult. it wasn't a good experience at first but it's gotten a lot easier so i'm grateful for that. i'm still working at austin's too but now i'm just working on event coordination which is pretty cool. no more barista aloe. it's been a time. i want to take a really long nap.
i wish i could be more articulate with my feelings. at the moment, everything just feels so jumbled up into one large feeling. i think if i were to identify that feeling off rip, it would be fear. i feel so much fear for my future. the future that i had been hoping for was ripped away and now i just feel so scared for what's to come. life is full and busy but i feel so burnt out. i would like a long break. i'm sad too because i'm going to miss galway. my heart breaks when i think about it. there's a lot i'm going to miss about this relationship. but there's also a lot to gain from being out of it. i get to refocus on what i want from myself in my life, and down the line in the future i will have a stronger sense of what i want and need from a partner. there were so many times i felt like i was too much and that i am just not good. i don't want to feel like that with someone that says they love me. i want to be chosen. i want to choose myself now, though. i want to take care of my needs. i want to be the person that makes me happy.
but besides my romantic relationship falling apart at the seams, i've spent a lot of time being independent and also cultivating beautiful friendships in my life. i have a lot of really good people around me right now and i feel so supported and loved in my little community. i think it's so wonderful to love and to be loved. i want to continue giving love to those i care about and i plan to do exactly that!
i also want to be more consistent with my blog again so finger's crossed i do that. i love u, blog.
xoxo, aloe
thursday, 4/9/26 cont.
hello again c:
i am at austins right now just hanging out. i came to print something out but our printer is out of ink so that is a bust. i already have what i need printed out at alex's house but i didn't feeel like making the trek over there. but now i think i will have to cause i need to fill them out by tomorrow morning for this lil appointment i got for my onboarding job stuff. yahhoo0oo. channing & i have a show tonight at UCF for the arboretum unplugged show. gonna be awesome and hopefully the weather pulls thru cause it is gross & rainy & windy right now. our session yesterday on WPRK was so awesome and went amazinggggg. and tomorrow we are doing a tinydesk concert at valencia and that is gonna be rule. yippee yipepee yippeeeee.
thursday, 4/9/26
hello blog in my puter. life is good. i think i shall give a recap as to what has happened in my life since september. cause a lot has happened.
• old austin's at 929 closed & the building got torn down #rip
• alex started his ice cream truck bizz!
• 4 years clean hehe
• got fired from loews #goodriddance
• had a powerpoint party with friends & it rocked
• christmas! gave all of my friends hand sewn bunnies
• one year with alex ily
• a lot of shows with the band!!
• got hired at austins 2.0 o:
• started school to become a CMA!
• started selling my art!!! :o
• passing my school exams like crazy & scoring the highest in the class & finishing my exams fast asf
• alex bday!!! 3 day celebration i love my guy
• finished school! official CMA :D
• got a job as a CMA!!!!!!! YAYYYYYYYY
• got a friggin tooth pulled out of my head #ouch
• played on the radio #ilovewprk
and that's what you've missed on GLEE
monday, 4/6/26
hi blog. it's been a while hasn't it? i'll answer that for you. yes it has. so much life has happened since september and i laugh about how every time i've thought of my blog since then that how my last entry was about charlie kirk getting wrecked. fucking loser. but here i am, back to explore my feelings as an adult into a public diary that i'm unsure anyone will read.
i've been having some strange feelings about old friends come up. i find so much regret harbored into my heart for the way i acted in a lot of my past relationships with my friends. i was talking to alex today about a friend group from high school that i have such fond memories over. i gave great care over the descriptions of each person to him and what they reminded me of now having been years removed from them. it is my fault that we are no longer friends and there are a lot of times i wish that i could do over my late teens/early twenties because of that. i was not a person that i would've liked to be friends with so i understand why we are not. i was selfish, rude, self-obsorbed, unkind, disrespectful. i don't think i was all bad but i definitely strayed away from the line of being a good friend continuously to those i cared about. i had little concern for any thoughts but my own, and also ended the friendships myself. i felt scorned when i was not chased or asked to stick around and i was angry because of that. but who would want someone so yucky around them?? i think if me now was to try & become friends with me then, i wouldn't. i would never. and that makes me sad. i'm grateful to have grown and to have the mental capacity to acklowedge how distasteful of a friend i was. i feel nervous all the time that i am permanately bad. that i'll never be good because of how bad i used to be. and again, i don't think i was evil, but i wasn't a good person and that breaks my heart. why was i so cold to those i cared about? why did i crave validation in any way that i could and when i didn't get it, it was everyone elses fault? le sigh. i don't know how to end this train of thought.
new paragraph, that's how. i think about the friend group that i had throughout my early 20s when i was not in a good spot in my addiction. that's a loaded experience. i remember how much guilt i felt when i was in rehab and talking to my therapist about how i didn't want to stop being friends with them, but how if i wanted to stay clean that i had to cut ties. i wish i went about it differently. at the time, i was scared and unsure how to have a conversation about it. i felt that it was easier to go ghost and never talk to them again. i do think that i needed to step back from the group and i do not blame myself for that, but if i could go back & actually talk to them about my feelings and how hard of a decision it was, i would. there was a lot of trauma and hurt sewed into those friendships. some caused by me, some caused by them, some caused by others. it was a hard time. i remember how the last time i saw any of them was at a funeral. im not sure how they felt about seeing me, i know i was ignored by a couple of them but there were a lot of feelings that day. i saw my old best friend and it felt like my heart broke. we texted afterwards about how i broke her heart for not talking to her. i felt like throwing up the entire time. how do you explain to your best friend that kind of thought? it's so hard to say that but i do agree that it was even worse to say nothing. i dont think any of them would've pressured me to relapse or encouraged me to use. but being two months clean i didn't trust myself to not ask. i didn't trust myself not to beg. this one is hard to think about. i miss them. but i feel so much shame for not having the courage to talk to them.
i'm making myself pretty sad thinking about this. not "making" myself but you know. maybe i end this update here. bye blog
wednesday, 9/10/25
holy f. charlie kirk got got today. insane stuff. every social media platform im on is loaded with coverage on it. i think it's insane how people will speak up about gun violence when it comes to him, but not when it comes to gun reform in america due to mass shootings. i also think it's insane to only speak up about this situation but not condemn a freaking actual genocide going on. free palestine forever and reform gun control in america now. i believe that if i was shot today as a trans nonbinary person, charlie kirk would not have batted an eye and doubled on his stance that there has to be some gun violence in order to protect the 2nd ammendment and i think that's bs. i think it's unfortunate that all those people were exposed to such a horrible sight, but i don't feel sorry for a man that supported death to everyone that didn't fit into his perfect worldview. anyways, it feels wrong to talk about my weekend when there is no peace and it feels wrong to not use my privledge to not acknowledge the insane state of the world today. i've been reading up about on facsism and it's attack on education and i see such a prevalent pattern happening in america and it's that we are heading into a facsist state (we're pretty much there already). i don't know how to end this update. gahhhhhh.
monday, 9/8/25
hiiiii! i'm not doin too much right now! i've been neglecting my blog tho ): life has felt a little stressful lately. i don't feel like giving a full recap but a couple big things happened this week. i'm getting moved to a new location at work. i'm really excited! i've been wanting to leave my current location for over a year now & it's finally happening so i feel very relieved and look forward to this new opportunity. i also started going to the gym with alex and that has been really awesome. i've never really gone to a gym before so it feels great to have someone to go with! last night, alex and i went to a fundraiser gala to save austin's & it was so fun and special. overall, good week. i want to get better about updating my blog. i also want to start learning an instrument. i have so much music i want to make and i want to be able to start doing that. i'm having a staycation with alex tomorrow & it's gonna be awesome. we're gonna go to hardrock & also go to universal while we stay there. it's gonna be so awesome and fun. that's all for now!
sunday, 8/31/25
oh, blog. it's been a very long week. i'll give a recap!
tuesday i spent the morning with alex & we went to blackbird coffee and drew some doodles for a bit, and then we went to the library & got library cards for the winter park library! we sat & read for a bit & that was nice. it's not my favorite library. it feels very cold and industrial and there wasn't much comfy seating anywhere. after we were done hanging out, i got ready to go to hhn preview. i didn't do all of the houses, i'm saving the main ones to do with alex next week, but overall i had fun!
wednesday i just kinda chilled and spent the day at home. i attempted to make stuffed artichokes for dinner & it turned out horribly! i felt so sad because they were basically inedible so that was a bummer. but alex came over after he was done at his film school and we got chipotle together. we had a sleepover & watched futurama & it was wonderful
thursday was alex and i's 8 month-iversary! the morning was a bit of a rough start but it settled around noonish. we spent the early afternoon doing our themed month-iversary activity and i taught alex how to wire wrap a crystal pendant. it was very romantic and sweet. after that i went into work and my shift was pretty chill.
friday i opened & had another chill shift. i got a message from this job that i applied to and have an interview scheduled for tuesday! i'm really looking forward to it!! after i got off work i went home & did a bunch of chores. i did my laundry, cleaned my apartment, cleaned out my car and then i made a very yummy yummy dinner. it was rice cooked in chicken stock with chicken breast, and broccoli. it slapped.
yesterday i opened again and again, had an okay/chill shift. after work, i went to goodwill and thrifted and outfit because my friend mya invited me & alex to go to the clerb with them. i got all sexy & ready & then mya came to my house & then we went to alex's house so we could all oober to southern nights. we got there kinda early actually but it was pretty cool cause we got inside quick with no crazy wait time in line. i had so much fun dancing with my friends. our friend alyssa also showed up & that was such a treat. after dancing for a couple hours & having our ears blasted (forgot earplugs rip) we went outside to chill for a bit & then we got hotdogs from the stand outside. it was so freaking yum and much needed. we all went home pretty soon after that. it was such a good time with my friends. i had a blast!!
today has been pretty okay so far. i spent the night at alex's & we had the morning together. now i'm at home hanging out with benny before i have to go to work. i think i'm feeling a little down today, but it's alright. feelings come and go! i'm hoping my shift will go well. i'm clopening today & tomorrow but thank god tomorrow is my friday. that's all for now. xoxo
monday, 8/25/25
hello, blog. i woke up this morning thinking that i was closing today, only to have my manager call me & let me know that i was the opener today. i rushed out of my house so quick lmfao i felt so silly for reading my schedule wrong. i was also kinda disappointed because i was going to go to the gym with alex this morning but it's okay. we're gonna go tomorrow! i'm going to the team member preview for HHN tomorrow night too & i'm really excited. i don't really have anyone to go with & that's kinda bumming me out but i think that i'll still enjoy it. i wrote a song today about my god dream i had. i think it's gonna be a great song. oli is helping me write chords for it! i love my talented friends. alex came over & we did that onion boil that was trending on tiktok. it was so freaking good but i am so full of onion now. mmmmm. i can't wait to sleep tonight. i'm hoping my dreams won't be insane but i can't be too sure they won't. oh well!!
sunday, 8/24/25 cont.
man, oh man. i ended up not going in to work because i devoloped a headache that was pretty gnarly. alex came over to my place after we went to austin's and we took a 3 1/2 nap. my nap dreams are always so insane. my dreams in general are insane. i dreamt that i saw god the other day during a nap dream. here's how it went: i was at work but it wasn't work it was some weird location. there was a lot going on & come to find out i was like infiltrating some secret facility. the people there found me and had accused me of trying to figure out where their nuclear weapons were (come to find out they were underneath us) and then two people grabbed both of my arms. they take me to this pyramid-like machine and start saying how they would have never been able to harness these nuclear powers without seeing the truth that god had laid out for them. i am very confused and scared about what they are saying and then they tell me that they need me to see the vision and ask me if i'm ready to witness god. i'm screaming and crying at this point and i tell them no and they turn on this pyramid machine. these "doors" open on the machine and the inside of it is this bright kaleidoscopic light that has this overwhelmingly loud hum. they throw me inside the machine and i am floating in this space being enveloped by this massive power. i was screaming and crying as loud as i could and i could hear this loud, booming voice speak to me but i couldn't make out what it was saying. i think i realized at that point i was dreaming and kept thrashing my arms and legs (in my dream) until i could convince my body to wake up. the end. i woke up super disoriented and confused. this is not my first god dream, though. i had a dream one time where i was walking down the sidewalk and then all of the sudden the clouds open up. i look up and see rapper eminem in the sky and he's like "hello, my child". i'm absolutely dumbfounded and i ask if this is real because you're telling me eminem is god?? and he's like "yes i am god. there is evidence of me everywhere. just look around you." and i look down at the sidewalk & there's a freaking m&m candy on the ground and that was proof that eminem was not only a rap god, but god god. that was probably one of the funniest dreams i have ever had. it felt like it was out of a comedy movie. i wonder if i'll be able to sleep well tonight since i took such a large nap. who knows. i made dinner earlier and it was kinda mid but it's not my fault. it is my fault but also not at the same time. i was trying a new recipe and it didn't turn out the way i expected it to.. now i have mid leftovers. but who am i to complain? i'm not up to much right now. i'm sitting in bed and kinda admiring my apartment. i love the way i have decorated it. it's so cozy and is more than i could have ever asked for. i think i'm gonna end this update here because it's highkey kinda long. goodnight blog<3
sunday, 8/24/25
good morning! last night was... EPIC!!!! the seafood boil was a huge success. everyone had so much fun and we ate so much freaking food and every single piece was so yummy. there was crab, shrimp, mussells, crawfish, scallops, potatoes, corn, vegan sausage, eggs & they were all cooked to freaking perfection. i devoured my plate. everyone was so helpful to alex getting everything ready too & that was awesome. we also jumped in the pool a couple times & it was so much fun just hanging out with all of our friends. alex's mom also brought us cookies to top it all off. epic. overall, it was such an amazing time being surrounded by my friends and shellfish. after things winded down, we cleaned up the house and got everything all sparkly clean so alex wouldn't have to worry about it in the morning. izzy was super helpful with doing the dishes & that was so sweet of her. i can't wait for next year's boil!! now i'm at austin's with alex & kyle & we're just hanging out. i had a bagel with cream cheeze & 'cado and i'm drinking a "swamp water". it's just sprite with lavender flavoring & i coined the name. it's so yummy delish. i work later today. kinda wish i didn't but it's okay. alex and i are gonna head over to my place and watch a little bit of futurama soon! i'll update more later! till we blog again~
saturday, 8/23/25
hey blog! i'm off work at alex's house hanging with izzy & alex before the seafood boil. we're just havin fun & being silly & sharing secrets & talking about boys ehhehehe. i can't wait for everyone to get here so we can celebrate all these yummy shellfish!!! work today was pretty ill. it went by super fast so i can't complain about it. i love my friends a whole lot. i'm gonna update more after the boil!!
friday, 8/22/25 cont.
work today was soo good. we were closed for a bit and it was pretty fun. when i got off work i went over to alex's house. we ate some vegan homemade pizzas and watched a little bit of futurama. alex really wanted to start watching it because he had never sat down to really watch it and it's one of my favorite shows. so this is our "new" series we're indulging in. after we chowed down, we mosied on over to an asian supermarket & got some cool and yummy groceries. i'm going to make baked artichokes this week & i'm so pumped. artichokes go crazy. i also spruced up my spice cabinet which had been serverly depleated as of late. it was so fun walking up & down the aisles of the store with my swaglicious love. after that we stopped at whole foods and i got a loaf of sourdough bread that i'm super excited about as well. alex and i recently went to new york to stay in a cabin on a lake and made the tiktok "onion bake" while we were there. we toasted some sourdough to go along with it and by god it was one of the best things i've ever eaten. no lie. who would've thought a whole ahh onion would go so stupid. i didn't. i say all of this to say that i bought some more onions and i see another onion bake in our very near future. i got home later after grocery shopping and hung out with my girl benny for a bit. she is one of the most vocal kitties i've ever had. and when i say vocal, i freaking mean it. she yells at me so much in such a sing-songy way. it's the cutest thing ever, but damn. girl has some pipes on her. i have work tomorrow morning and then after that is the seafood boil!!!! F yesss!!! i'm excited to hang with all of my friends and eat some freakin crab n stuff. i'm gonna end this here. i'll report back tomorrow after the boil has consumed me. goodnight<3
friday, 8/22/25 cont.
im at work right now on break. im eating a mysterious pastry. i think its a mini pound cake. usually when i open we dont really get any storms. its that time of year where evening storms are more common than morning/midday storms but today came an early one! i always feel bad telling people to leave the pool when theres lightning in the area but its sunny outside. it can be confusing trying to tell people its gonna storm when its all blue skies but theres a menacing storm behind one of the buildings out of sight. i only have a couple minutes of break left but i think today will be pretty easy. im going grocery shopping later with alex & im excited for that. hes throwing a seafood boil tomorrow! its gonna freaking rule!!! i will update more later :)
friday, 8/22/25
it's barely friday, it just turned 12:05am. i just helped my friend izzy set up her own blog. blogging is so in right now. i went on a really nice walk with alex & his dog holly. we laughed, we cried, we walked. i found a little frog on our walk too & took a picture with him. i'm having a sleepover at alex's place tonight. the other day, we decorated a couple medicine bottles so i can keep some back up medication at his house in case i forget mine. it was a really cute way to be creative with him. we do silly little celebrations for each month we're together. last month was our "bug" monthiversary, we made airdry clay bugs for each other. this month is the "metal" monthiversary. it's so exciting seeing what we do to be creative together. it's so special having a love like this. i have work tomorrow morning. i'm not looking forward to the heat. i always say i'm ready for winter but then winter comes and i freeze. i have such a low threshold for extreme temperatures on either side of the spectrum. i say extreme, but to me 50F is freezing. any time i say that anything lower than 60F is freezing, a northerner gains it's wings. they look at me like it's blasphemous. i'm just a cold little guy. i love my little blog. <3 this is awesomesauce!!
thursday, 8/21/25 cont.
i didn't end up going to austin's. i'm at alex's house. we shared carrot cake pastries but i didn't care for mine too much. it had walnuts in it and i don't think nuts belong in pastries! i stand by that. who ever heard of a sweet nut? not this guy. however, i appreciate that he still got me a little treat. i'm watching alex play red dead redemtion 2 & there's ponies and chickens! how fun! the only game i ever got good at was Barbie: Horse Adventure. i beat the entire game when i was young. and then my brother deleted all of my game data off his xbox360 to make more room for his games and i cried. i think i'm valid for being upset about that still. all that work and what did it get me... oh well.
thursday, 8/21/25
today has been good so far. i went to work this morning and had a pretty good shift. the sun was blazing like it was nobody's business and there was sweat in places only god has seen. i'm home now. my alex is on his way back from a trip to tallahassee to get some things done for his ice cream business he's starting. he's so cool. i'm dating the freaking ice cream man!! i'm on the phone with my friend oli as i'm trying to mangle and meddle with the skeleton of this html to make it look swag and dope. i'm going to see alex later. he bought me a pastry from this vegan restaurant he passed by on his trip. they also sold "krabby patties" but he said they didn't live up to the hype of a "real" krabby patty. sad. i'm looking out into my living room now and see my beautiful cat, benny, sitting on my tiny toadstool ottoman. she is the best. oli is about to play me a new song he's been writing. i'm very excited to hear it. i haven't written a song in a couple weeks and it feels like i'm gonna splode. i don't think i've been stuck, just lazy and overworked. i should try harder to make time for my passions. it's always so rewarding. i crave creation. i might go to austin's tonight. it's jazz night and i feel in the mood to make a friend. i really like meeting new people. it feels scary sometimes to put myself out there. i think that's just self-rooted fear. i fear that judgement will come to me no matter what i do, and that is true. but there are kind sides of judgement in my mind. i don't think judgement is a black or white thing. there's level to this ish. i think it's okay to be judged. i think where the problem lies with me is that i think all judgement towards me is negative. this stems from low self-worth, insecurity, blah blah blah, yadda yadda. i've heard from my friends a lot lately that i'm extremely pleasent to be around. this makes me feel wonderful, and i try to let my thoughts of insecurity have their space to be, but i want to focus on trusting the judgement of those that love me. with that being said, i don't feel as scared as i used to when i try & meet someone new. it's been raining for the past couple of hours. evening showers are my favorite. there's such beauty in the gloom of a stormy sky. i think i'll miss this the most when i leave florida (whenever that is).
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